Inspiring Women: A Conversation with S

Trigger warning: domestic violence

In the face of extremely challenging situations, Give Your Best’s volunteer, S, has shown incredible strength and resolve. After experiencing ostracisation from her community and threats to her safety, S left an abusive forced marriage and travelled with her young son to seek asylum in the UK, where she was placed in a detention centre.

Thankfully, S is now safe and is living somewhere with her son where she feels settled. She has recently been awarded a Universities of Sanctuary scholarship to study Peace Building and Conflict Resolution starting this year. Her dream is to share her story at the UN to work to identify solutions and act as a positive female role model for women who have faced similar challenges. 

S feels it is important that others engage with and understand people’s own journeys and stories, as she believes this can help build awareness and empathy for others.

Interview: Lauren Porter

Editing: Anna Kerby

“I was the only one fighting for me.”

Prior to claiming asylum in the UK, S endured several incredibly challenging life events. Showing enormous strength filing for divorce from her husband from a forced marriage, she became worried for her safety and left her job as a management consultant and fled the country she was working in at the time.

“[I was in a] very, very bad situation… there were things going on which were not safe for me, I struggled a lot over there…I was the only one who was fighting for me.”

On returning to her home country with her very young son, her family did not support her decision to get a divorce. S was the first person in her community to have been divorced and  she became ostracised as a result: people choosing not to invite her to events or celebrations out of fear that she was ‘bad luck’. 

“If I go to weddings, that means the bride is going to get a divorce, just because I attended the wedding…everybody kind of blames you, as a [woman], when they don’t even know what you were going through, what kind of abuse you were facing, it’s always your mistake…it was a very, very stressful situation.”

S felt alone, with no support for her or her son and was even facing abuse on the streets. She reported this to the police, but with no female police officers, she didn’t feel as though there was anyone she could trust, and the male police officers asked her incredibly personal questions which was upsetting. Her house then started being targeted and, although some of her family members allowed her to stay with them for a few days, ultimately they did not want to be involved. S felt at a complete loss as to what to do and where to go. 

A friend’s brother listened to what she was going through and advised her to leave the country as soon as possible for her own safety. He suggested she seek asylum which, at the time, S didn’t know anything about. 

“[He said] if anything happens to you, nobody is going to say a word because you don’t have a backup. Nobody is going to support you...so it is not a safe place, you need to leave as soon as possible […] Socially, economically, emotionally, physically, I was exhausted in every possible way.”

The journey and the ‘jail’

Due to the job she had previously, S had several visas for international travel but a lot of them had expired, apart from her UK visa. She spent the majority of her money on a plane ticket for her and her child to the UK, despite being very worried about what to expect on arrival.

“I had no clue what seeking asylum was, no clue what process you have to go through, nothing…The whole journey I was shaking, I was embarrassed. I thought everyone on the flight knew what I was going through.” 

The journey took three days, made even more exhausting with a very young child. When she arrived at Heathrow, she was very frightened but told the border patrol officer that she was receiving threats to her life and wanted to seek asylum in the UK. They took her passport and she was told to wait for several hours while they asked a few questions. She was then taken to a detention centre, which she hadn’t expected. This was a very frightening and disorienting experience for S and her son as she wasn’t told how long she’d have to be there for.

“It’s like a jail: a very small room…and you have no idea what’s going on: are you going to live here for months, what’s going to happen to you? Nobody told me this was the first stage [of the process]. My son was crying because the big giant doors closed with a lot of locks - it was like a prison. I couldn’t explain to [him] that he couldn’t go out…I was scared to death thinking that they were going to keep me here for a long time, or forever.” 

Once S was out of the detention centre, she was moved to a hotel in London for a few days. S says she remembers the first time she saw the London Eye and not being able to put into words how she felt, as she realised she had been able to escape her home country and was free and out of the detention centre. 

Settling in

As there was a large community of people from her home country in London, she said she did not want to live there as it would not be safe for her. She was moved to a different area of England where she has been living since last summer with her now 3-year-old son. However, settling in was not easy for S, and her neighbours from the same country as her were sadly unwelcoming.

“It’s like I don’t fit, I am a single mother, which is not a concept [in my community], and I am an asylum seeker, so that kind of gives an impression to the community that ‘we should not entertain her’. When I came initially, I wanted some help just to know where to buy medicine…to buy milk [as] I had no idea where to go, and: Nothing. If I [saw] someone across the street, she’d turn her face [away from] me, she wouldn’t even give me a chance to wave or smile…If my own community had given me some support when I came, my journey would have been easier.”

S didn’t have a pram, so would carry her young son around everywhere when she was exploring the area. As she didn’t have a phone, or access to the internet initially, she didn’t know where the town centre was and didn’t even realise how close she lived to a nearby park–which her son now loves going to every day.  Getting a phone and WiFi helped her a huge amount, as she was able to research and find things out much easier– like how the nurseries her son could go to were free. She also found out about a charity who provided her with a lot of support, including practical things like pots and pans. 

Once her son was settled in nursery, S found being stuck in the house on her own distressing. She started attending free classes at her college to get a change of scenery and interact with other people. Her college ESOL tutors were very supportive and suggested other free courses S could attend, including childcare and interpreting. S now works as a volunteer interpreter at the college, as she can speak multiple languages. She was also awarded the Adult Learner of the Year, and has gradually felt more confident around her local area and going out with her son.

“Gradually I developed my confidence and I started going out more: I was happier taking my son to the park and going out easily. I did not have any money, but I had that freedom to go out without thinking of any danger [or] fear…Learning and education really changed me as a person…[My] circumstances changed me and my personality and confidence, but that education gave me a lot back, and even more.”

Proper (Give Your Best) Shoppers

S found out about Give Your Best on our Facebook page, where she was excited about our ethos of providing women with choice. 

“I was thrilled when I heard about the ideology behind it and how it gives you an opportunity to choose what you want to wear, instead of just dumping things on you…it’s every individual’s choice! Charity organisations are doing their best...but I don’t have the freedom to choose what I want to wear and what suits my needs exactly. Give Your Best gave me the opportunity, and it was kind of liberating and pleasant when I can choose–like I’m shopping!  …You get that happy moment like ‘Oh this jumper is going to come, how am I going to look in it?!’ ... You’re a Shopper: a proper shopper. Like anyone [who has] money shops, we shop the same way. The only difference is we don’t pay for it until we can afford to.” 

Being able to shop through Give Your Best has been especially helpful for S to shop for good quality clothes to wear for college, which has further boosted her confidence. S now volunteers with Give Your Best: providing her point of view as an end user of our platform. She is excited for us to grow further and expand our reach, as she feels the initiative provides women with confidence, happiness, and freedom. 

Staying hopeful and not quitting

S is still currently waiting for her substantive interview–the next step in her asylum process. She is hugely apprehensive about this, especially as she hasn’t been told when it will be. 

“You never know when they’re going to call you…Every day when I hear a knock on the door or I see the postman, I am like ‘Oh maybe today’…Not much information is given, not much instructions or guidelines.”

While she is nervous about the Home Office’s decision on her immigration status, S says she is still hopeful and looking forward to a good future for herself and her son. She is especially proud of her strength to have created a ‘better life’ for them both, and for enabling her son to grow up into a more ‘open minded’ person. 

“Being able to get out of that relationship was the proudest moment for me…I still can't believe how I did it…I don’t know where I got that power. Before that I was kind of compromising on everything […] I was given all of the wrong advice, but I chose to fight it and I would like others to be fighters. [...] I know the real pain, and I know what struggling is and I know what it’s like when you’ve lost everything but still you keep going when you’re struggling with anxiety and depression. You’re fighting every day and you will make a success…Don’t quit…Fight!”

A vision for the future

Excitingly, from September, S will be studying a masters in Peace Building and Conflict Resolution. After learning about education scholarships available for people seeking asylum, including through Universities of Sanctuary, the staff at her college helped her apply successfully. 

“It was really complicated for me as a new person here, who hadn’t studied here. But with the support of my college, I got a place at the University of Bradford and applied for a scholarship. I was shortlisted for it, they interviewed me and I got it. It was a very happy moment for me.”

This has further empowered and inspired S. In the future, she is motivated by working to address issues women face, and speaking about her own lived experience at a global level at the United Nations. 

“I’ve been in situations where–being a [woman] in my community–I have had to face a lot of challenges… This gave me a vision for what I want to work in in the future…I really want to go to the UN one day, that’s my dream now: presenting my real issues at the UN as a person who has been through this… I have experienced it, I know the whole journey, and what it feels like to go through…I am looking forward to looking for solutions for others so that no one has to go through these things again. Or if they do, that they have a solution and it’s not the end of the world...I’m going to set a very good example and a very strong example to look up to…I want to change that perspective: that it’s alright if I’m struggling at the moment but not forever.”